No One Takes Me Seriously

I just realized, ever since I was a kid, no one really taken me seriously. 

Cause they always see the happy go luck girl. 

I was an officer in school, I was telling my classmates to be silent they kept chatting until I shouted and cried, they didn't follow me at once. 

My father teased and joked around when we were watching movies that I find touching or emotional or moving, laughing at me while I am crying.

Even my ex-husband didn't take me seriously cause he did still what he wanted disrespectful of me and my decisions for our family. 

All the people I tried to invest time to talk with, to understand, and to connect with. 

Nobody has taken me seriously. They all just wanted to fuck around with me. I'm tired.

You Are Not Collecting Dust From the Shelf, Okay?

You were there. The most unique intro message. Funny and quirky. You kinda gave me an umbrella stayed during the wee hours of the day. Maybe because we are both graveyard shift. It's convenient. You did motivate me. I'm so sorry I cannot be physically there when you needed me. I understand you are going through some tough times nowadays. Ice cream is still on me but you said you were fine. Coffee?.. Okay, you don't want to be bothered now, know I am just here for you if you need me. I just want to make sure you are indeed okay. No pressure. #granbebidaddie #grizzly #grizzlybear

Two People Hugging with a Green Heart in Praying Position

And our featured Album of the Month! Haha... (Look at the right side of this webpage).

I met a guy online who loves this duo that is why I am doing this. I like him. 💚

However, I recently lost my phone and the only way of communicating with him was through Facebook Dating. Yep, I created an account there. Just the heck of trying it cause I do not want to install or reinstall other apps. So I can read the messages right away. 

The things I liked about him was he never forced me to meet in person, to communicate through Messenger or other messaging apps outside of the platform, and he loves music as I do, all genre especially hip-hop, rap metal, screamo, horrorcore (which I first learned from him, I didn't know there was such a word, and I think I prefer horrorcore as well aside from alternative rock, pop, emo).

Last August 2nd, our team had a night out and I lost my phone. 😵
Since then, I am unable to communicate with him cause I have a two-way factor authentication on Facebook and I still do not have time and money to have my SIM Card number retrieved.

I miss him so much!!! 😭 I am sad and afraid that he might think I ghosted him. I never wanted to do this to him. I created a new Facebook account but he is not finding me or even attempting to send a Friend Request.

Thus, this tribute, haha! I believe he loves this new album, too. 🫂(Haha, I always send this emoji to him) 🙏

2025 is Transformation Era!

Howdy y'all! :)

Half of the year already. What's up, Beck?

2025 you said is Transformation Era for the better. I guess, I am getting there.

But why did I dream of you last night? If you know how to interpret dreams, kindly message and send me the interpretation ASAP!

What I remember about the dream was "he" was there, like a crazy freak. In an old house but not familiar to me. We do not own it, cause I smell the air of renting it for quite sometime. Seeing his crazy eyes, like a mental person, seems like it is hard to know what will be your next move.

They said to interpret a dream, remember how you feel during that scene.

I feel afraid at first, cause I am clueless what he is up to. What does he want from me? Why is he here at my place? I kinda miss him or maybe just his presence. He was moving all over the house like a turning top. And the feeling of being taken cared of, like what he usually do before, that was the scene, he is like walking on eggshells so careful not to piss me, not to do anything wrong but it annoys me that he can't stay in one place, adult ADHD at its best.

There is another scene, there was a thin frail boy around 8-10 years old. I don't know him, no motherly love connection. I feel he was a neighbor's son but he was always inside our house, trying to find something to eat. Miguel was not in the scene. There was also a feeling of hunger and there was no food maybe that is why my ex-husband smells like anxiety, he does not know where to get the food for me and for that thin frail boy. 

From the kitchen, I went to the living room and saw a lot of older men. Do we have a party? A celebration that I did not know of? So, where is the food for the visitors? I am already getting irritated. I do not know these folks and who invited them? Ha! Maybe the old geezer. Now, I am angry.

I went back to the kitchen and it was so messy, an eye sore. But when I approach the dining table, the thin frail boy was slump on the table looking dead! Oh my goodness! Where is he?!? What did he feed this thin frail boy?!? What will I do?!? Panic attacks.

The scene changed and I cannot remember how I ended lying on a bed at night, our current bed here at the condo. Miguel is here sleeping, at first I thought I am awake already, just suddenly woke up due to a bad dream. But when I turned towards my right side to continue sleeping, someone hugged me from behind and it was him again! The same feeling when he used to hug me like that. So at first I felt afraid cause of the flashback of the dead kid in the kitchen and Miguel was there sleeping. How did he enter the room? Now I realized that it is another dream but it felt so real. Maybe, I was just missing how to be hugged like that and imagining it so much felt real, I slowly brushed off the feeling about that dead kid, I just want to feel his embrace. It felt warm and safe. I did not attempt to look back to see his face.

Then I woke up for real. It has been a while since I had a dream with him with an interaction like that.

Is he thinking of me? Or am I thinking about him too much it entered my subconsciousness as a dream?

I don't want to know his whereabouts now. I am not interested. 

Beck, remember, he knows where and how to send help but he does not sends any help.

You are not going to help him again. Let him learn his lesson on his own. You have done enough.

I have not directly told his mother what had happened, and I saw her viewing my Facebook Story. Maybe that is also embedded in my subconsciousness. 

So just come back to reality, Beck. There is a lot of work to do. I know it has been five months however there are more important things to focus on. More better opportunities. You want that kind of hug? Maybe not now while no one is around. Be contented with hugs from family, friends and from Miguel. 

You are wrecked but not a home wrecker. Some thoughts to ponder. Intentionally remove yourself in situations that will disrupt your routine, your mindfulness, and your finances. Just one step at a time.

Yes, I missed again seeing the concert of JR Richards, that is fine, there will be another time, if it is meant for you, it will come to you. There is no harm in trying. You did try to save up for it but it was not enough for the meantime, you know your priorities, right? Those italic words came from two of my previous inspirations. They have their own lives now and I see it is also getting better. So, why am I stuck in a loop? Why do I keep coming back to these bad habits and mentalities?

This is the reason why I am writing it down. To remind me.

I believe I have to declutter also my Spotify Playlist for better vibes. Music is the only medicine I take ever since I have gone through heart breaks. Some songs are not helping any more for me to heal and it just brings back memories, thus, me being stuck in a loop.

You will never find it, if you're looking for it... True love will find you in the end... Let it be...

No Regrets

What is the worst situation a person can experience?

A moment when you feel safe and you let your guard down knowing you are with people who will protect and respect you but at the end of it all, your vulnerabilities will be used againts you and the only thing you can do is to stay still and do nothing until it ends. 

Then question yourself, "Is this the will of God? Is this a temptation from the devil? Is this a test? Shall I go with the flow? Will my actions ruin every thing? Am I a glitch in the system?

And remember your mantra, that the choices you make dictate the life you live. You in a way did this to yourself, it was your choice. But now that you are aware of the situation and process, you can learn from mistakes and know better.

No regrets because the experience will make you wiser, more cautious, you did not die and nothing was taken from you. It was still a blessing in disguise because the truth was revealed and it is still in your favor.

Now, let go of the toxic people in your circle and recognize and cherish the ones who are always there for you, who love and care about you in good times and in bad times. 💚🙏

Just Leave It Here

#38

#Sunday

#October30

#IFeelOldAndWeak

#HaveToBeYoungAndStrong

The Confession of a Sufferer

This is me for so long. Placing my faith, hope, and love to the LORD is the thin thread that keeps me hanging. Mama Mary bring peace inside of me, to my family, to my community, to our country and to the whole world.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

I said, “I will be careful about what I do and will not let my tongue make me sin; 

I will not say anything while evil people are near.” 

I kept quiet, not saying a word, not even about anything good! 

But my suffering only grew worse, and I was overcome with anxiety. 

The more I thought, the more troubled I became; 

I could not keep from asking: 

“Lord, how long will I live? When will I die? Tell me how soon my life will end.” 

How short you have made my life! 

In your sight my lifetime seems nothing. 

Indeed every living being is no more than a puff of wind, no more than a shadow. 

All we do is for nothing; we gather wealth, but don't know who will get it. 

What, then, can I hope for, Lord? 

I put my hope in you. 

Save me from all my sins, and don't let fools make fun of me. 

I will keep quiet, I will not say a word, for you are the one who made me suffer like this. 

Don't punish me any more! 

I am about to die from your blows. 

You punish our sins by your rebukes, and like a moth you destroy what we love. 

Indeed we are no more than a puff of wind!

Hear my prayer, Lord, and listen to my cry; come to my aid when I weep. 

Like all my ancestors I am only your guest for a little while. 

Leave me alone so that I may have some happiness before I go away and am no more.

Psalm 39: 1 - 13 GNTD

The LORD is my Spouse

 To all barren woman, single by choice, single at the moment, be inspired and believe and feel that you are not alone because the LORD is your spouse. 

Choose hapiness and contentment. 

I was thinking, if I read the book of Isaiah before, I would have chosen things differently. Reminiscing about my choices back then. 

Now, I am also laughing my heart out because the LORD lead the way to where I am now, who I am with. I am always grateful and it will always be a mystery how You move into my life, O LORD. I love You and thank You for being You. 💚🙏😘

---------------------------------------------------------

“Sing, barren woman, you who never bore a child; burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband,” says the Lord .  “Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes.  For you will spread out to the right and to the left; your descendants will dispossess nations and settle in their desolate cities.  “Do not be afraid; you will not be put to shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.  For your Maker is your husband— the Lord Almighty is his name— the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth.  The Lord will call you back as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit— a wife who married young, only to be rejected,” says your God.  “For a brief moment I abandoned you, but with deep compassion I will bring you back.  In a surge of anger I hid my face from you for a moment, but with everlasting kindness I will have compassion on you,” says the Lord your Redeemer.  “To me this is like the days of Noah, when I swore that the waters of Noah would never again cover the earth. So now I have sworn not to be angry with you, never to rebuke you again.  Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,” says the Lord , who has compassion on you.  no weapon forged against you will prevail, and you will refute every tongue that accuses you. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord , and this is their vindication from me,” declares the Lord .

Isaiah 54:1‭-‬10 NIV, Isaiah 54:17 NIV

https://bible.com/bible/111/isa.54.1-17.NIV

New Normal For Others, The Future I Was Dreaming

Howdy y'all! ☺️

March 19, 2020:

Since I have recuperated and I have more time to do what i want at home due to the enhanced community quarantine, I wanted to share my thoughts and activities and document it digitally so by the time I have to remember and reminisce i'll just watch this video. 😁 Championship

During college I was with my friend riding an LRT i think it was our "OJT" days, we talked about seeing ourselves someday having a kid and being a mom, no particular partners in picture, we just wanted to be a mom.

Well, indeed be careful what you wish for because it comes with great responsibility and you have the power to make or break not just a routine or achievement but a life, from birth until end.

Being mommy is hard, tiring, fun, very emotional for me, exciting, full of hope and fulfilling. I hope I can be a good mommy, who nurtures, teaches and comforts.

May 12, 2020:

A sister, an aunt or a mom's care and understanding, a confidant, an expert support. Those were my experiences towards nurses who took care of me whenever I got hospitalized and colleagues at Legato whenever I needed products and procedures assistance. I'll be forever grateful. What you do for a living is pure dedication and faithfulness in little things. Keep the faith and that "malasakit" in you. And I'll do my part as well to make all your sacrifices worth it. #StaySafeStayHome #weareinthistogether 

My Updated Playlist:

The World's Best Pocket Fairy Tales From Nido

Bliss

Since September 14, 2019, I was attending an Adobe Photoshop Training in Ortigas, Pasig. We had a lesson about how to make a movie poster.

As a movie enthusiast like me, I had difficulty choosing which movie should I personalize.

I asked my husband what will he be doing since we're together on this training and he said jokingly that he will create his own movie poster.

Well, that was a great idea!

The reason for getting into this training aside from the fact that we are already personalizing T-shirts, is for me to enhance my skill in editing photos and be certified with it.

As much as I wanted to star in my own movie, the pictures that I have at hand, does not look and feel cinematic. So, if I were to see a movie, I would choose the movie with my favorite actors instead. I remembered that Joker with Joaquin Phoenix will be showing October 2019.

Although I loved Joaquin since "Gladiator" days and when I saw the "Inventing the Abbotts", my all-time favorite Joker character is Heath Ledger on The Dark Knight.

That is why I decided to use both of them on my movie poster activity.

My Tribute to Heath Ledger and Joaquin Phoenix as Joker. May we find the truest sense of bliss.

Today, October 3, 2019, my husband treated me on a movie date. (^_^)
We were reminiscing when was the last time we went to the cinemas since the dawn of Netflix at the comforts of our home. The last movie we saw together was Kita Kita (2017)!

After getting some snacks, I advised him that we have to be inside the cinema in time for the trailers and when we arrived it was just us and a mother and daughter tandem climbing up the stairs slowly but surely. Before the trailers and announcements started, a few people only joined us for the 4:00 PM show.

Well, this blog is not meant for me to tell you in detail what I saw because I highly recommend that you see it for yourself!

I wanted to confirm that we cannot compare The Dark Knight Joker with it because they are totally different with a totally different plot and scenarios. Like what I have responded on one of the tweets I saw about Heath as the best Joker ever, watching Joaquin Phoenix as the Joker will never replace or forget how Heath Ledger portrayed the role, it is a chance for us to look at things on a different perspective.

And when you look at things in a different light, you will be more open to changes and improvements that hopefully will benefit you more for the good than before. No doubt, the acting expertise of Joaquin was a masterpiece, naturally executed in the light of a person who lived a tormented life.

I realized after watching the movie that it all starts in the family. Although we cannot have a perfect family, I believe in reality, God will always show the way for us to find a family that we can consider as our basic support system outside of our homes through friends and professionals as long as we consistently pray in whichever religion one may have, then to admit to ourselves we needed help, and to seek, meaning attempting to find, ways on how to receive help or cure from others.

If all else fails, the system, the government, based from experience, there will always be someone or a mediator who is willing to open their arms or ears, who can give their time to be the voice of the voiceless.

I always pray that I become a part of the solution. And for me, communicating with my loved ones and having a Bible Plan are a few of the ways I use to muster all the courage that I must have daily. I am almost done reading, "Words Matter" by LoveGodGreatly.com

When Arthur said in the movie that his life was a comedy, I had flashbacks when I was in college during our theater class. A comedy is a play characterized by its humorous or satirical tone and its depiction of amusing people or incidents, in which the characters ultimately triumph over adversity.

This is the comedy I wanted for all of us "Arthurs" out there, so we can always put a happy smiling face in spite of it all. :)  #virtualhugsandkisses for the meantime.

Overall, the movie is all our money's worth. The 70's/80's vibe is my favorite and the shots, angles, minimal effects taken were at the right time and at the right place, they were necessary! Those where done not to compare with past movies but so we can understand during that era how things work that maybe until today, even with all these technologies, we still haven't made any advancement on our approach to people like Arthur that is why we still produce and meet Arthurs any where. I love the original soundtrack and I already found it on Spotify. There was a confusing part for me at first after the subway scene with all that adrenaline rush but later I understood why he has to dance it away. #InsanelyClassic

October is my birth month and reading my past blogs revitalizes me. Although I am still a work in progress, I am truly happy and contented now. #Cheers #Halflife

BabbleTop Personalization's Test App :)

Please click here!

What Is The Meaning of My Dream?

After attending a free training under Filipina Homebased Moms last night, I wanted to get started and applied what I have learned so I can land to my online work as soon as possible.

I started getting my resume edited with Canva and I signed up under Trello. I had a stint working from home in 2015 as an online English tutor for Japanese. Here was my video introduction at that time: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bAjKp7T5xj4

After numerous attempts to change my career from a graveyard shift into a day shift, I finally decided that I can better perform if I dedicate my time working from home so I can be with my son. Although he is 11 years old, a lot of things happened (kindly back read from my previous posts to have a better understanding) and I can sense that he is still trying to befit with his environment. He is still a child for me and I honestly spent less time monitoring his studies and school activities recently.

While organizing my profiles and documents, I decided to lay down at around 11 PM. I told myself,
" I will just rest my eyes and straighten my back, then I will go back finishing my applications."

But what do you expect, I went to wonderland together with my son who snores fast asleep beside me. But the ambiance and feeling is so familiar as if I am wide awake. It feels like an old movie waiting for the next sequence.

I know I am in the province because of the number of trees at the backyard, definitely this is not our apartment in the city.

The house is old and gloomy although it is not that dark outside. I am suspecting that we are at my parents' house but I don't remember having wooden flooring. Maybe this was the scenario because before my son and I went to sleep, he requested if we can visit his grandparents in Laguna since February 5 is Chinese New Year which means holiday and no school day.

For the longest time, I have never dreamed of something that my husband was in it. When I dream,
I usually see my son, mother, former classmates and previous officemates. But now he was there, he seemed tired from a day's work. The setup of the house has a second floor because when my husband came home, I was looking down at him while he climbed up the stairs.

Here at our apartment, we don't have a frame for the bed and like Korean/Japanese style, we have mats and foam as our bed. But in the dream there are no foams to lay down to and just hard mats laid on the floor with our thin blankets and I don't even remember having pillows. (Old school province life it was!)

We had an argument last night before he went to work so maybe the feeling lingers to me that even during the dream I feel irritated by him that I don't want to go near him at all. As usual, he invited me to go to sleep and embraced me while we lay down to sleep.

Then suddenly the mood became scary and if you can remember the mask of the vendetta, someone who was wearing that mask or it seems like the mask of the vendetta was his actual face entered the room in a lateral flying position towards me like attacking me with his "superman-like" fist-flying position?!? I sense that someone is a different entity and I was so afraid and my heart was pounding so hard because everything was sudden while my husband already fallen a sleep.

My initial reaction was to block that entity while pushing it away from me cause I felt that a touch from it would kill me. Then I shouted, "No matter what you do, Jesus is still powerful than you!"

Then I woke up.

My head was aching of too much sleep but it was only midnight. I am shaking while I do the sign of the cross and prayed repeatedly until I went back to sleep.

I kept on waking up every hour with a throbbing head until I heard the alarm buzzing at 4:30AM.

I don't usually dream of supernatural things but when I do I always have to face these monsters or demons and it feels like real.

Whatever my dream meant, it only means that I need to have more time with God and to truly change my perspective positively. Challenging times will be always there and I can win it if I courageously face it, cut the slack and persevere more, declutter my mind and home and take care of myself as well. While I do my responsibilities as a mom and wife, I believe that everything will also follow in terms of my career as a WAHM. In due time. :)

Tribute - The World's Best Pocket Fairy Tales from Nido - Nido Powdered ...

Oh no! It felt so real. :)

At last! I finally dreamed of you.

The setting was an expensive, exclusive-like beach resort with Italian architecture and ambiance. The people I am with were my son, husband, mom, my closest friend and some of my high school friends with their families and previous officemates with the past companies I've been with. But I felt it was a company outing with other faces I was unfamiliar with.

The beach has white sand with a long narrow modern tiki hut bar near the shore with foreigners in different nationalities sat down for a drink, it was far away from me but it seems like it was built on water with flowing water falls on the side so some people past through from the water to sit down.

There was an old blonde man that you would know was a surfer boy when he was young who stood up to go away from the bar but he was naked! Covering his private part with his hands while walking away, maybe drunk.

Then while the other people were crazy swimming in the beach, there was a commotion about a boy, about 5 years old, whose left foot was chopped from the ankle and they said it was due to a shark but there were no blood spilling and he was just rolling on the beach like a normal kid with his tantrums then he walked away with his big, tall, chubby dad like there was an invisible left foot cause he can walk normally, one step at a time.

So I call on and checked on my son and it was just weird that the table where my husband sat on was different from ours like he had a different group and we were set aside at the corner near the opened, wide, white door with square glasses that you can peep through whoever will be coming. All of the doors in the resort was designed like that.

I sat down with strangers while they eat from the buffet feast but I haven't gotten any plate.

Then my closest friend came out from the door overjoyed and drunk, I've never seen her like that before, she is married now but when she sat on our table she was alone saying that she got drunk due to her college friends who gave her numerous shots. I told her to compose herself because we might meet my UMC - ultimate man crush in the vicinity.

As soon as I've said that, UMC walked out of the door looking buff as ever but now with grey hair highlights and you can now see fine lines on his face but still his presense was so inspiring because memories flashed back to me how great and legendary this person was. 

At the same time when he walked out alone, cause I know he was living with his girlfriend, he has a down to earth nature that you can easily sense, there were no body guards around him and he dressed like normal people in the resort would do with his favorite white shirt and blazer on.

Oh what a chicken little me, I extended my arm to shake his hand and it felt awkward, he looked, "okay", with his poker face expression.

I was still holding his hand and my mind was saying, "do something more!" I went near him like pressing my body against him doing an awkward tensed hug that I know he felt uncomfortable with.

So I moved away immediately and then he walked towards the space where he can speak with other guests.

My mind was coaching me that I should not waste this time and opportunity, no regrets!!!

So I mustered all the courage I can get and approached UMC again, this time I asked him if I can hug him. He said, "sure".

He is 5"8 tall and I'm 4" 11. I felt like a cocoon wrapped inside my shell, with his muscular body protecting me like a shield. It was a comfortable feeling, indeed. I don't want to let go. I embraced him as tight as I wanted to, at least letting him know through my embrace how proud and happy I am for him.

Then he looked at me saying, "Do you want to marry me?"

Ha, ha, ha! I would loved to say, "I do!"

I was well aware about my current situation and my response to him was, "Give me an annulment first." His face went from flirty to "oh, you're married" look.

I laughed so hard, and told him that no matter what, I will always be here for him and I am proud of his endeavors especially about the crypto, I need to learn a lot about it but I will continue on supporting him on this project.

We sat down and his face looked more interested with our conversation after I told him about the cryptocurrencies that I know. It felt as a long conversation because I got hungry then he had to leave now.

When I went to the buffet table I was informed that the food set for our "company" ran out easily because we were a thousand attendees. The foods left there were designated to other guests. It was fine with me cause I know there was a counter were I can buy a separate meal but my mom gave me a tray with watermelons on the side and I know it was a salad dish with avocados, watermelon or something red chopped in cubes, special sauces, veggies, a healthy looking meal, I can say.

My mom said it was given to me by somebody.

I looked around who could it be, and inside another bar-like room for the VIPs, there was a person peeping through me and he was wearing an orange T-shirt with denim overalls.

So I looked back and gestured, "Thanks for the food" lifting the tray as I look at him. And that man gave me a thumbs up. I guessed it was also my UMC but he looked younger maybe because of the video I saw about him previously when he was doing TV shows.

I was so hungry that I didn't go back to our table to eat instead I excused myself to sit with another group, my husband asked me what I was eating and I told him it was just given to me. The foreign nationals seated in our table commented that the food I was eating costed $111.00 or 11,200 in peso if I would convert it. Alright, it was enough to measure how expensive what I was eating.

Then I woke up.

Ha, ha, I better watch out cause my subconcious mind was playing tricks on me again. It was still a good night sleep. 

At least, I had been with you in my dreams. :)

No regrets. :)

PS. I tried to interpret my dream and I can't believe what I found out through these links:

https://www.kimscravings.com/seared-salmon-watermelon-tomato-avocado-salsa/

(So it was a real recipe/dish, I can't wait to taste it for real! I can't believe that you can combine watermelon and avocado in one plate!)

https://exemplore.com/dreams/NUMEROLOGY-meaningofnumbersindreams

(Okay, positive thinking for number 1!)

For Miguel Marcel

Sharing with you a post I had recently. The reason why I love animations. They are not just cartoons, it is a way to talk about serious stuff lightly but effectively for young and old. Keep this in mind always, Miguel Marcel. :) :* #nytnyt #eatdreams #loveyou

https://facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=10214733800271968&id=1033303766

I see myself as the son, the mother and the father roled into one. Like the son, I am always dependent to my parents and relatives, when it was about time for me to live on my own, I kept on coming back home justifying the need to be there instead of facing my life's trials independently and maturely. But unlike the son, I don't want to reach the point that someone or something has to end before I learn and accept adulting. I still wanted to go back home bringing good news or sharing my accomplishments.

Like the mother, I am always supportive to my own son. I am just arms length away from him, ready to catch his hands when tired of school work or clueless of household chores. I try to understand my son's gaming language and other new acronyms because I want him to know that mommie is ready to listen and we are on the same vibe. I'm on defense mode, ready to make his senseless reasons sensible whenever arguing with daddy why we have to eat chicken and have desserts afterwards. I want a piece of me with him wherever he may go.

But I am also like the father. I wanted Miguel Marcel Manlavi to be strong and responsible when the time comes he has to take his own path. I am always grumpy about little things when he was not using his common sense. I get irritated when he calls "mommie" for help on things he already knew but he said he forgot because he was not interested and was not paying attention beforehand. I had to be the poker-face-i-don't-care-at-all "father" to teach you, Miguel, that I know you can do it, you just have to believe in yourself.

But I pray that someday, I will never experience the same way the father on the video had, alone and waiting.

PS. Miguel, be independent, grateful of the good and bad things and live by your name, an image of God and a little warrior. I will be always proud of you, whatever endeavor you may choose. Miguel, we have seen the video and I already explained it to you. You will always have a piece of mommie and daddy wherever you will go.

Leaving Home

This is it! :)

Magic Penny

by Malvina Reynolds

Love is something if you give it away,
Give it away, give it away.
Love is something if you give it away,
You end up having more.

It's just like a magic penny,
Hold it tight and you won't have any.
Lend it, spend it, and you'll have so many
They'll roll all over the floor.

For love is something if you give it away,
Give it away, give it away.
Love is something if you give it away,
You end up having more.

Money's dandy and we like to use it,
But love is better if you don't refuse it.
It's a treasure and you'll never lose it
Unless you lock up your door.

For love is something if you give it away,
Give it away, give it away.
Love is something if you give it away,
You end up having more.

Magic Penny 

Philippians 4:12-13

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

          This bible verse personified to me last October 20th. 

   The month of October is the month when I always feel like a candle slowly melting. This is my birth month. Every year I get to realize and get flash backs on all of the things I have done whether good or bad, weeks before my date of birth. I always feel that my time is running out. This happened since college days when I started the habit of cramming, hehe. I know I can do more but I am too lazy to move. They are all stuck in my head, full of ideas and plans because I love the capital sin, slothfulness, I have never executed well all my plans and dreams. And as if I enjoy the rush of blood to my head of accomplishing tasks in the last minute.

   This year, my mind is full of more important things than to procrastinate what I have done and what I should have done before my final days. (That's what I undergo before my birthday, as if I'm dying.)
Cause everything is smack down right in front of my face. There is no need to think about it because it is happening right now in from of me. It is my reality.

   Since Papa had his brain stroke on August 9th, my supposedly plans and "new beginnings" shattered and "I don't carrot all." I was angry. A sloth like me who is very easily distracted had a way to start over and organize my thoughts but because of carelessness, everything went back to square one and I was just trying to shove away all the worries cause those where not helping at all taking every thing one step at a time and praying the heavens that a "manna" would fall from the sky to solve my problems, literally. It was beyond my control.

   True, it was the way of Jesus and Mama Mary to shake all of our senses. They really love attention. And if you forget to pray and focus on worldly things, by all means they will make you notice them badly and drag you to church to pray. For me it is not a negative thing but it is a realization that you have to put God first in all you do. Without Their guidance at all, as a human being, your decisions will also be disorganized and the wisdom to do according to God's will all falter.

   According to Fr. Ed Villanueva, it is our God's way of making "papansin" to us. :) #iloveFrEdVillanueva
In that homily, Fr. Ed was like being the mediator of God to me and my family. Explaining why these things have to happen. Ever since my son's first communion preparation, you were there to guide us and I will never forget your words and pieces of advice. I know it is still a work in progress but hopefully the story will end for the good of everybody. :)
God knows we all have different schedules and priorities in life. I miss being with my brothers when we were kids, doing picnics in our mini garden drinking Pop Cola and eating Tomy Cornflakes all bought for only 20 pesos from Aling Mina's store. When you are adulting, everything changes in a positive and negative way. I guess it happened too fast and it was my own choice and liking but in the earlier part I got stucked in the 90's and I wanted to slow things down when I felt and realized everything was too hard for me to handle.
Weird but true, we were happy in the hospital when Papa was confined because we are all together.
If Papa doesn't have a speech defect and unstable blood pressure, you would think we were there just for a staycation.

Because of this, I have to get my son. Mama is a senior citizen and we do not want her to get sick, too. She has to prioritize my father's recovery. This is a wake up call for me to stand up to my obligation as a mom and parent. It was truly about time for Miguel to be with us. For us to be together as family. To be mature and not to be lax when making decisions cause we only have each other to solve it and to endure it because this is my family that I choose to build. #iloveyouMiguelMarcel

   This time, no more ways to easily go home and seek help to my family and relatives. And due to this, I cannot put into words all the sacrifices my Mama have endured for the sake of taking care of us all every single day. #iloveyouZenaidaColitoyCaspillo
I will never be a housewife material like you do. You know my temper. You should be rewarded more than you think you deserve for all the things you do for your family, relatives and friends. I always pray for your health cause I am still in the process of making "bawi" to you. I am not yet done and will never be done pampering you this time. It is your time to shine and to relax, you know. :*

   For you Papa, you stubborn, corny, irritating you. No matter what happens and what I say, you know that I am always be a Papa's girl and it truly breaks my heart seeing you like this. All I want is for you to recover fast and I'm happy that your speech is understandable now than before. But you have to do your exercise or walks. Stop watching TV all the time. The treadmill is on its way if you are lazy enough. Please stop the Smoking jokes that you have cause it is not funny any more. A week before you got star-stroked I argued with you about smoking since you know we do not have the means to have such emergency but you did not listen to me. This time please listen and change your ways. #iloveyouGeronimoBattuingCaspillo
You have to enjoy your pension now that you are 60. We will still sing When I'm Sixty-four and I did not forget that I have not made your Jesus Christ Superstar Tshirt, okay.

   Miguel asked me one day, "What gift do you want on your birthday, mommy?"

   Honestly, I cannot think of any material thing cause all I have in mind is to have a day shift job. I couldn't ask for more but to have a healthy body and mind, Miguel to be healthy and comfortable with his new school and new environment, Joseph to be on a stable job for years with healthy body and mind as well and for me to be productive and continue to pay the bills and save for the future.

   After the long wait and numerous applications, after me doubting myself what wrong did I do this time, after my allergies and scratching maybe due to stress and unhealthy eating habits and poor hygiene, after loving chicken-wow so much with it's crispylicious, juicylicious skin, I got a response on the 20th of October that my morning job application is progressing. :) And as I speak, I am going to start on November 6, 7 AM. After that, I was able to attend the general assembly of The Storytelling Project last Saturday. I need this activity for myself and well being. It has been a while since I volunteered and spent my time for something with a good cause. We have finally visited our house in Calamba after a month. Papa is just waiting for his pension and Maro becoming a licensed Mechanical Engineer. Meeting the cutie Mallows of Leevan and Analyn with the sumptuous Caldereta and forever wow chicken cooked by Analyn, Jejekh helping me whenever I am in need although when we were kids, Leevan and I used to tease you gravely until you cry cause "di ka namin bati". I will forever be grateful to you. #iloveyouMarkLeevan #iloveyouJohnLeejekh #iloveyouLeeMargo

Things will never go my way most of the time cause I know Jesus and Mama Mary has a purpose and They always know what is better for us. They will always send angels, challenges and blessings to ease our pain, make us strong and comfort us, yes, you are one of our angels here on earth, Ate Cynthia. #iloveyouAteCynthiaManlaviRay
You too, Analyn. :) #iloveyouAnalynLlave

And for my aunts and uncles who we are forever in debt to:
#iloveyouTitaLevy #iloveyouTitoBok #iloveyouTitaNeneng #iloveyouTitaBeth #iloveyouTitoTom #iloveyouTitoDonnie #iloveyouTitaFely #iloveyouTitaLeni

Now I truly understand the words of wisdom you have always been nagging about, literally!
So kids, they are all being said to you by adults not just to be hassle or kill joy but because they have experienced it first hand and they wanted the best for you as you get older. It will truly help you cope up with life. Yep, I am getting older and in turn saying these words to you. :)

I honestly received more gifts than I had before that I believe I do not deserve and the ones I am truly surprised and forever grateful for. I will never forget my promises. Just please be more patient with me. :) Soon, it is pay back time. :)

Cheers to those 33 roller coaster years of my life and thank you for the 34 years and counting that you have remembered and took time in celebrating with me while I was doing my pre-employment medical. #MoreFiberstoavoidFollowUps #WalkathonToRemember

Good Fight! Good Night! :)

Good bye, Chester. :'(

What did I do today to deserve this?

I was browsing online to learn about the new account I will receive an interview for today.
Since the main office is based in Arizona, I searched more about Arizona through Wikipedia.
While reading, I came across a county called Cochise and automatically remembered the song of Audioslave.

A lot of issues and speculations are published online about Chris Cornell's passing and honestly, it will always be sad to know that a unique voice and person will never come back no matter what the findings are or whatever the truth is about his death.
All I can do is to reminisce about his past performances and have a final look at his funeral through YouTube.

Indeed, it was star-studded. It was supposed to. We lost a Rock Icon. It was heartfelt from the fans' point of view and from the family and friends in the industry.
And Chester Bennington was there. Although the audio was faint, you can still hear his voice singing Hallelujah. The truthfulness of his voice dedicated to Chris Cornell.

Today, July 20, 2017, is supposedly the 52nd birthday of Chris Cornell.
I decided to watch his last performance at Detroit, Michigan.
But the day has not ended and newsflash popping on my timeline that Chester also passed away today!

This is ridiculous!

Flashbacks keep coming. All related to Linkin Park and Chester Bennington.
This blog was in a way inspired by their song, "Somewhere I belong".

I used it before as an inspiration to get my blog started because at that time I was also lost, depressed and uninspired due to the lost of my grandfather. It was the first in the family to have somebody gone for good and I had regrets of not spending my Christmas with him, if only I knew it was his last.
I know that somewhere I belong that I need to heal to move on cause I will never forget what had happened. As I write this, it brings back the heartache of choosing what I wanted, my temporary happiness instead of my priority which is my family.

I was in college at that time that's why I believed there would be more wonderful things in stored for me instead of dwelling on the past that I cannot correct or change any more.

But there was no one to turn too, no time to be cheesy and emotional.
Every thing was fast-phased.

Viola! my companion during research and thesis days, Blogspot.com :)
This was the era of me exposing myself to Information Technology and the World Wide Web!

Fast-forward to 2017, this song, the feeling and the situation is still the same.
Every lyric and words of the song is alive today, at least for me. I feel like bursting in my seat!
Bursting into tears and screams! (But I can't, I still in the office. That would be scandalous!)

Again, I turn to you my good old friendly Blogspot. You and me, for the longest time.
Can you hear my scream? My deep, heavy breathing?
What is happening people!?!

For all this fucked-up Millennial craze going on nowadays, are we leaving this legacy GenXers?!?
I definitely do not want to be remembered as the suicidal generation!

With all those talents, abilities and influence, this is not the time to lose hope and to be exhausted with life!

You may not be a role model or ideal human being but at least you never ever give up with all these shit going on around you and around us.

There are more things to be thankful for and although every thing is messed up with the society and government, we still have our family and friends who truly makes our backbone to stand up and together we are stronger, the more we are the better we can fight the every day demons of our lives.

Even though our ammo is just pen and paper or computer system and Internet connection (A stable and fast one, of course) our presence will be felt, we can still be united wherever we are in this world, whichever timezone it may be.

This situation should be taken seriously cause not only popular people undergo it but more likely common people like we do. Our support system with depression and anxiety should be visible and felt through actions not just in words.

Simply being with the person who experience it, walking him or her through on their way out of this sick cycle, I believe is the first step in any person's enlightenment.

Talk sensibly! Shove all your "green-joke" up the trash bin's mouth and for once be matured on how you see things in this world. And maybe, hopefully, it would brighten someone's day or my day at least!

Never stop seeking on how to heal yourself so in return you can also bring healing and peace to others.

And maybe, every thing will follow.
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My response to a Youtube post about Chester's interview calling for help:

To Veronika Císarová:
That's true... sadly, he was in the world too fast, too busy making money and things like these are not gonna generate money. there could be a million reasons why things happen at this day and time. But we will also be blind on a situation like this cause it is not being taken seriously. He was very vocal about it but sorry this was not in the cards, move on against your will. How much more people who keep it only inside. You're like a balloon full of helium exploding any time soon. We have to strive hard in finding time to spend it with our loved ones. I believe it is the first step to a stronger well being.

#PrayingForChesterBennington #PrayerForPeopleWhoFeelAlone #VirtualHugsForTheMeantime

Too Early For Christmas

While I was cleaning up my desktop computer with all the junk saved documents, I came across with this file. I can't remember what was this for. But I can sense that I was happy writing it. I believe this can be applicable even if it is not yet Christmas. Looking back on what I wrote, I miss being me. I wish I could meet a Fairy Godmother (or a Goblin, haha since I've finished watching 16 episodes of it) who can grant me some wishes. Or maybe this is just a reminder for me to see Jesus and Mama Mary since it is a Sunday. Before Miguel goes back to school on Tuesday, I am singing this familiar tune again! "It's so little time so much to do, I'd rather spend my days with you. It's so little time so much to do, I'd like to spend one day with you. And if that day is not enough maybe we can stay in touch. But I'm not making plans for tomorrow, for tomorrow never comes." 

Well, enjoy reading and let us all find our passion starting today! :)

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October 17, 2015 at 5:56 PM

What is your Christmas wish list for yourself?

This year, our Christmas will be totally different compared to the past Christmases we have celebrated.
It will be different materially and emotionally.
I have been working for the past 11 years under a BPO Industry, and this means, graveyard shifts and shifts even on a holiday.
This year, 2015, I chose and decided on what will benefit my son and my family.
I ended my career in the BPO Industry on June 8, 2015 and chose to be a stay-at-home mom.
This also ended my never ending itch to buy anything that I see in the bazaars, late night and early morning trips to different kinds of fast food chains to eat, and my body clock adjusting itself to sleep in midday so I can wake up and drag myself for another 1:00 AM Shift the next day.
I am happy to say that I am not confused any more with the days and which time zone I am in.
I learned to cook and to prepare my son’s school needs, which is really a big salutation for my mom since she was doing it in our behalf for more than 8 years! I never imagined how difficult it was until I have experienced it myself. Come to think of it, she has been doing those things since we were a kid as well as with her grandchild. You are the most caring and organize, Mama!
Physically, it has been really exhausting (Take note, it has only been 4 months since I chose to be hands-on with everything at home, argh!)

But at the end of the day, my reward awaits.

I am informed first-hand about my son’s adventures and misadventures in school, I am able to make him eat vegetables (Whoohoo) and it is nice to hear whether it is true or just make believe that all of my cooked dishes taste good on him, Ha ha! And to wrap it up, we go to sleep together at night, before 9:00 PM, after I put on powder on his back, after we say our prayers, with never ending guesses who will say “Good Night” and “Eat-Dreams” first or simultaneously until he falls asleep.
Honestly, letting my husband alone to work and produce money for our family nowadays is the biggest risk I have ever made.

The lifestyle we used to have when both of us were working was comfortable materially for us.
But the fulfillment I get to experience and to improve my mommy-duties (and myself as a whole) cannot be repaid with a specific monetary compensation. (Perhaps, if my hourly rate will be $1 Million, I’ll think about it)

So this Christmas, all I want for myself is to have more strength, courage and positivity to do anything for my family. Every day is a training ground and a test of my patience and understanding, and accounting skills as well.

What are your Christmas gift ideas for your loved ones this year?

Well, since I have more time at home now, did I mention we make personalized T-Shirts and Jackets?
Since we still have a stock of plain shirts at home, I am going to finally print them their much awaited personalized shirt rolled into one. In time for their birthday, Christmas and New Year!

How do you plan to give back to others this Christmas?

Every day is a blessing. And with my own schedule, I can render my services any time of the day.
I feel I need to catch up on a lot of things. First is to organize and clean the house. We have a lot of unused and in well – conditioned items. I believe there are others out there who need it most. Secondly, I need to get started with the layout and design for the personalized T-Shirts. And while I prepare and buy the materials I would need, I can also check this out as an added token for my Christmas gift ideas:
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I have no clue of what was I supposed to say that time. I am not sure why I did not finish it. Maybe something or somebody interrupted me and I forgot I was working on this.
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