Tuesday, October 31, 2017

Philippians 4:12-13

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

          This bible verse personified to me last October 20th. 

   The month of October is the month when I always feel like a candle slowly melting. This is my birth month. Every year I get to realize and get flash backs on all of the things I have done whether good or bad, weeks before my date of birth. I always feel that my time is running out. This happened since college days when I started the habit of cramming, hehe. I know I can do more but I am too lazy to move. They are all stuck in my head, full of ideas and plans because I love the capital sin, slothfulness, I have never executed well all my plans and dreams. And as if I enjoy the rush of blood to my head of accomplishing tasks in the last minute.

   This year, my mind is full of more important things than to procrastinate what I have done and what I should have done before my final days. (That's what I undergo before my birthday, as if I'm dying.)
Cause everything is smack down right in front of my face. There is no need to think about it because it is happening right now in from of me. It is my reality.

   Since Papa had his brain stroke on August 9th, my supposedly plans and "new beginnings" shattered and "I don't carrot all." I was angry. A sloth like me who is very easily distracted had a way to start over and organize my thoughts but because of carelessness, everything went back to square one and I was just trying to shove away all the worries cause those where not helping at all taking every thing one step at a time and praying the heavens that a "manna" would fall from the sky to solve my problems, literally. It was beyond my control.

   True, it was the way of Jesus and Mama Mary to shake all of our senses. They really love attention. And if you forget to pray and focus on worldly things, by all means they will make you notice them badly and drag you to church to pray. For me it is not a negative thing but it is a realization that you have to put God first in all you do. Without Their guidance at all, as a human being, your decisions will also be disorganized and the wisdom to do according to God's will all falter.

   According to Fr. Ed Villanueva, it is our God's way of making "papansin" to us. :) #iloveFrEdVillanueva
In that homily, Fr. Ed was like being the mediator of God to me and my family. Explaining why these things have to happen. Ever since my son's first communion preparation, you were there to guide us and I will never forget your words and pieces of advice. I know it is still a work in progress but hopefully the story will end for the good of everybody. :)
God knows we all have different schedules and priorities in life. I miss being with my brothers when we were kids, doing picnics in our mini garden drinking Pop Cola and eating Tomy Cornflakes all bought for only 20 pesos from Aling Mina's store. When you are adulting, everything changes in a positive and negative way. I guess it happened too fast and it was my own choice and liking but in the earlier part I got stucked in the 90's and I wanted to slow things down when I felt and realized everything was too hard for me to handle.
Weird but true, we were happy in the hospital when Papa was confined because we are all together.
If Papa doesn't have a speech defect and unstable blood pressure, you would think we were there just for a staycation.

Because of this, I have to get my son. Mama is a senior citizen and we do not want her to get sick, too. She has to prioritize my father's recovery. This is a wake up call for me to stand up to my obligation as a mom and parent. It was truly about time for Miguel to be with us. For us to be together as family. To be mature and not to be lax when making decisions cause we only have each other to solve it and to endure it because this is my family that I choose to build. #iloveyouMiguelMarcel

   This time, no more ways to easily go home and seek help to my family and relatives. And due to this, I cannot put into words all the sacrifices my Mama have endured for the sake of taking care of us all every single day. #iloveyouZenaidaColitoyCaspillo
I will never be a housewife material like you do. You know my temper. You should be rewarded more than you think you deserve for all the things you do for your family, relatives and friends. I always pray for your health cause I am still in the process of making "bawi" to you. I am not yet done and will never be done pampering you this time. It is your time to shine and to relax, you know. :*

   For you Papa, you stubborn, corny, irritating you. No matter what happens and what I say, you know that I am always be a Papa's girl and it truly breaks my heart seeing you like this. All I want is for you to recover fast and I'm happy that your speech is understandable now than before. But you have to do your exercise or walks. Stop watching TV all the time. The treadmill is on its way if you are lazy enough. Please stop the Smoking jokes that you have cause it is not funny any more. A week before you got star-stroked I argued with you about smoking since you know we do not have the means to have such emergency but you did not listen to me. This time please listen and change your ways. #iloveyouGeronimoBattuingCaspillo
You have to enjoy your pension now that you are 60. We will still sing When I'm Sixty-four and I did not forget that I have not made your Jesus Christ Superstar Tshirt, okay.

   Miguel asked me one day, "What gift do you want on your birthday, mommy?"

   Honestly, I cannot think of any material thing cause all I have in mind is to have a day shift job. I couldn't ask for more but to have a healthy body and mind, Miguel to be healthy and comfortable with his new school and new environment, Joseph to be on a stable job for years with healthy body and mind as well and for me to be productive and continue to pay the bills and save for the future.

   After the long wait and numerous applications, after me doubting myself what wrong did I do this time, after my allergies and scratching maybe due to stress and unhealthy eating habits and poor hygiene, after loving chicken-wow so much with it's crispylicious, juicylicious skin, I got a response on the 20th of October that my morning job application is progressing. :) And as I speak, I am going to start on November 6, 7 AM. After that, I was able to attend the general assembly of The Storytelling Project last Saturday. I need this activity for myself and well being. It has been a while since I volunteered and spent my time for something with a good cause. We have finally visited our house in Calamba after a month. Papa is just waiting for his pension and Maro becoming a licensed Mechanical Engineer. Meeting the cutie Mallows of Leevan and Analyn with the sumptuous Caldereta and forever wow chicken cooked by Analyn, Jejekh helping me whenever I am in need although when we were kids, Leevan and I used to tease you gravely until you cry cause "di ka namin bati". I will forever be grateful to you. #iloveyouMarkLeevan #iloveyouJohnLeejekh #iloveyouLeeMargo

Things will never go my way most of the time cause I know Jesus and Mama Mary has a purpose and They always know what is better for us. They will always send angels, challenges and blessings to ease our pain, make us strong and comfort us, yes, you are one of our angels here on earth, Ate Cynthia. #iloveyouAteCynthiaManlaviRay
You too, Analyn. :) #iloveyouAnalynLlave

And for my aunts and uncles who we are forever in debt to:
#iloveyouTitaLevy #iloveyouTitoBok #iloveyouTitaNeneng #iloveyouTitaBeth #iloveyouTitoTom #iloveyouTitoDonnie #iloveyouTitaFely #iloveyouTitaLeni

Now I truly understand the words of wisdom you have always been nagging about, literally!
So kids, they are all being said to you by adults not just to be hassle or kill joy but because they have experienced it first hand and they wanted the best for you as you get older. It will truly help you cope up with life. Yep, I am getting older and in turn saying these words to you. :)

I honestly received more gifts than I had before that I believe I do not deserve and the ones I am truly surprised and forever grateful for. I will never forget my promises. Just please be more patient with me. :) Soon, it is pay back time. :)

Cheers to those 33 roller coaster years of my life and thank you for the 34 years and counting that you have remembered and took time in celebrating with me while I was doing my pre-employment medical. #MoreFiberstoavoidFollowUps #WalkathonToRemember

Good Fight! Good Night! :)

Friday, July 21, 2017

Good bye, Chester. :'(

What did I do today to deserve this?

I was browsing online to learn about the new account I will receive an interview for today.
Since the main office is based in Arizona, I searched more about Arizona through Wikipedia.
While reading, I came across a county called Cochise and automatically remembered the song of Audioslave.

A lot of issues and speculations are published online about Chris Cornell's passing and honestly, it will always be sad to know that a unique voice and person will never come back no matter what the findings are or whatever the truth is about his death.
All I can do is to reminisce about his past performances and have a final look at his funeral through YouTube.

Indeed, it was star-studded. It was supposed to. We lost a Rock Icon. It was heartfelt from the fans' point of view and from the family and friends in the industry.
And Chester Bennington was there. Although the audio was faint, you can still hear his voice singing Hallelujah. The truthfulness of his voice dedicated to Chris Cornell.

Today, July 20, 2017, is supposedly the 52nd birthday of Chris Cornell.
I decided to watch his last performance at Detroit, Michigan.
But the day has not ended and newsflash popping on my timeline that Chester also passed away today!

This is ridiculous!

Flashbacks keep coming. All related to Linkin Park and Chester Bennington.
This blog was in a way inspired by their song, "Somewhere I belong".

I used it before as an inspiration to get my blog started because at that time I was also lost, depressed and uninspired due to the lost of my grandfather. It was the first in the family to have somebody gone for good and I had regrets of not spending my Christmas with him, if only I knew it was his last.
I know that somewhere I belong that I need to heal to move on cause I will never forget what had happened. As I write this, it brings back the heartache of choosing what I wanted, my temporary happiness instead of my priority which is my family.

I was in college at that time that's why I believed there would be more wonderful things in stored for me instead of dwelling on the past that I cannot correct or change any more.

But there was no one to turn too, no time to be cheesy and emotional.
Every thing was fast-phased.

Viola! my companion during research and thesis days, Blogspot.com :)
This was the era of me exposing myself to Information Technology and the World Wide Web!

Fast-forward to 2017, this song, the feeling and the situation is still the same.
Every lyric and words of the song is alive today, at least for me. I feel like bursting in my seat!
Bursting into tears and screams! (But I can't, I still in the office. That would be scandalous!)

Again, I turn to you my good old friendly Blogspot. You and me, for the longest time.
Can you hear my scream? My deep, heavy breathing?
What is happening people!?!

For all this fucked-up Millennial craze going on nowadays, are we leaving this legacy GenXers?!?
I definitely do not want to be remembered as the suicidal generation!

With all those talents, abilities and influence, this is not the time to lose hope and to be exhausted with life!

You may not be a role model or ideal human being but at least you never ever give up with all these shit going on around you and around us.

There are more things to be thankful for and although every thing is messed up with the society and government, we still have our family and friends who truly makes our backbone to stand up and together we are stronger, the more we are the better we can fight the every day demons of our lives.

Even though our ammo is just pen and paper or computer system and Internet connection (A stable and fast one, of course) our presence will be felt, we can still be united wherever we are in this world, whichever timezone it may be.

This situation should be taken seriously cause not only popular people undergo it but more likely common people like we do. Our support system with depression and anxiety should be visible and felt through actions not just in words.

Simply being with the person who experience it, walking him or her through on their way out of this sick cycle, I believe is the first step in any person's enlightenment.

Talk sensibly! Shove all your "green-joke" up the trash bin's mouth and for once be matured on how you see things in this world. And maybe, hopefully, it would brighten someone's day or my day at least!

Never stop seeking on how to heal yourself so in return you can also bring healing and peace to others.

And maybe, every thing will follow.
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My response to a Youtube post about Chester's interview calling for help:

To Veronika Císarová:
That's true... sadly, he was in the world too fast, too busy making money and things like these are not gonna generate money. there could be a million reasons why things happen at this day and time. But we will also be blind on a situation like this cause it is not being taken seriously. He was very vocal about it but sorry this was not in the cards, move on against your will. How much more people who keep it only inside. You're like a balloon full of helium exploding any time soon. We have to strive hard in finding time to spend it with our loved ones. I believe it is the first step to a stronger well being.

#PrayingForChesterBennington #PrayerForPeopleWhoFeelAlone #VirtualHugsForTheMeantime


Sunday, June 11, 2017

Too Early For Christmas

While I was cleaning up my desktop computer with all the junk saved documents, I came across with this file. I can't remember what was this for. But I can sense that I was happy writing it. I believe this can be applicable even if it is not yet Christmas. Looking back on what I wrote, I miss being me. I wish I could meet a Fairy Godmother (or a Goblin, haha since I've finished watching 16 episodes of it) who can grant me some wishes. Or maybe this is just a reminder for me to see Jesus and Mama Mary since it is a Sunday. Before Miguel goes back to school on Tuesday, I am singing this familiar tune again! "It's so little time so much to do, I'd rather spend my days with you. It's so little time so much to do, I'd like to spend one day with you. And if that day is not enough maybe we can stay in touch. But I'm not making plans for tomorrow, for tomorrow never comes." 

Well, enjoy reading and let us all find our passion starting today! :)

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October 17, 2015 at 5:56 PM

What is your Christmas wish list for yourself?

This year, our Christmas will be totally different compared to the past Christmases we have celebrated.
It will be different materially and emotionally.
I have been working for the past 11 years under a BPO Industry, and this means, graveyard shifts and shifts even on a holiday.
This year, 2015, I chose and decided on what will benefit my son and my family.
I ended my career in the BPO Industry on June 8, 2015 and chose to be a stay-at-home mom.
This also ended my never ending itch to buy anything that I see in the bazaars, late night and early morning trips to different kinds of fast food chains to eat, and my body clock adjusting itself to sleep in midday so I can wake up and drag myself for another 1:00 AM Shift the next day.
I am happy to say that I am not confused any more with the days and which time zone I am in.
I learned to cook and to prepare my son’s school needs, which is really a big salutation for my mom since she was doing it in our behalf for more than 8 years! I never imagined how difficult it was until I have experienced it myself. Come to think of it, she has been doing those things since we were a kid as well as with her grandchild. You are the most caring and organize, Mama!
Physically, it has been really exhausting (Take note, it has only been 4 months since I chose to be hands-on with everything at home, argh!)

But at the end of the day, my reward awaits.

I am informed first-hand about my son’s adventures and misadventures in school, I am able to make him eat vegetables (Whoohoo) and it is nice to hear whether it is true or just make believe that all of my cooked dishes taste good on him, Ha ha! And to wrap it up, we go to sleep together at night, before 9:00 PM, after I put on powder on his back, after we say our prayers, with never ending guesses who will say “Good Night” and “Eat-Dreams” first or simultaneously until he falls asleep.
Honestly, letting my husband alone to work and produce money for our family nowadays is the biggest risk I have ever made.

The lifestyle we used to have when both of us were working was comfortable materially for us.
But the fulfillment I get to experience and to improve my mommy-duties (and myself as a whole) cannot be repaid with a specific monetary compensation. (Perhaps, if my hourly rate will be $1 Million, I’ll think about it)

So this Christmas, all I want for myself is to have more strength, courage and positivity to do anything for my family. Every day is a training ground and a test of my patience and understanding, and accounting skills as well.

What are your Christmas gift ideas for your loved ones this year?

Well, since I have more time at home now, did I mention we make personalized T-Shirts and Jackets?
Since we still have a stock of plain shirts at home, I am going to finally print them their much awaited personalized shirt rolled into one. In time for their birthday, Christmas and New Year!

How do you plan to give back to others this Christmas?

Every day is a blessing. And with my own schedule, I can render my services any time of the day.
I feel I need to catch up on a lot of things. First is to organize and clean the house. We have a lot of unused and in well – conditioned items. I believe there are others out there who need it most. Secondly, I need to get started with the layout and design for the personalized T-Shirts. And while I prepare and buy the materials I would need, I can also check this out as an added token for my Christmas gift ideas:
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I have no clue of what was I supposed to say that time. I am not sure why I did not finish it. Maybe something or somebody interrupted me and I forgot I was working on this.
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